Never Good Enough: How Perfectionism Harms Women’s Well-Being
Perfectionism is one of the most common themes I see within my clients and is something that also was present throughout most of my own life. I remember so well the feeling of “random” anxiety spikes, constant burnout, resentment, and battling the critical voice in my head. It is exhausting feeling like you not only have to proof that you are good enough, but also that you are one of the best. It wasn’t until I finally sought my own therapy, dove deep into the work of Brené Brown and Kristen Neff, and created a rigorous practice of self-compassion breaks, authenticity, and making choices aligned with my values before I started to truly know what inner peace felt like. This lived experience led me to seek training in therapy approaches to help my clients with having their inner critic work with, instead of against, them. Want to know more? Keep reading.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is more than simply “wanting to do your best.” It is a persistent drive to meet unrealistically high standards, often accompanied by self-criticism and fear of failure. While a healthy desire to excel can motivate growth, perfectionism becomes harmful when it creates chronic stress, erodes self-worth, and interferes with daily life.
Researchers often describe two main types:
Self-oriented perfectionism – holding yourself to excessively high standards.
Socially prescribed perfectionism – feeling pressure to meet standards you believe others expect from you.
Both can lead to anxiety, procrastination, burnout, and difficulty enjoying life’s milestones.
How Common Is Perfectionism—and What Does It Cost?
Perfectionism is more widespread than you might think. Research indicates that between 20% and 30% of university students and adults report experiencing perfectionist tendencies—traits linked to anxiety, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. When gender is taken into account, the disparity becomes clear: approximately 25% of women rate themselves as high in perfectionism, compared to 15% of men. In workplace settings, this gap appears even larger—one study found that 33% of women in corporate environments scored high on perfectionism scales, whereas only 21% of men did. These numbers underscore that perfectionism disproportionately affects women, suggesting that cultural, social, and professional pressures may be nudging women toward chasing impossibly high standards more often than men.
This perfectionism predisposition feeds directly into burnout: research shows that over 76% of American workers report symptoms like exhaustion and emotional depletion, which perfectionists (especially in caregiving professions) are particularly susceptible to due to overcommitment and self-driven pressure.
When it comes to perinatal mental health, women with perfectionist traits face real risks. In one study, 34% of mothers with postpartum depression exhibited high perfectionism—compared to just 11% in non-depressed postpartum women—and concerns over mistakes increased their odds of major postpartum depression more than fourfold. A broader meta-analysis confirmed a moderate correlation (r ≈ .32) between perfectionistic concerns and perinatal anxiety and depression, with the link to depression slightly stronger (r ≈ .35).
On the body image front, perfectionism—particularly “concern over mistakes” and doubts about actions—strongly correlates with body dissatisfaction, reinforcing the internal pressure to look flawless. The link between perfectionism and OCD traits is well-documented too: traits like extreme checking and faultless standards overlap with obsessional and compulsive behaviors, making perfectionism a notable risk factor for OCD.
Altogether, these findings illustrate that perfectionism is not just common—it’s a potent predictor and contributor to serious mental health challenges for women across life stages, including anxiety, burnout, perinatal mood disorders, body dissatisfaction, and even OCD tendencies.
How Perfectionism Can Affect Women Through the Reproductive Journey
1. While Trying to Conceive
Perfectionism can manifest as:
Strictly controlling diet, exercise, and daily routines to optimize fertility.
Obsessively tracking ovulation, basal body temperature, and symptoms.
Feeling guilt or self-blame if conception takes longer than expected.
2. During Pregnancy
Pregnancy can heighten perfectionistic tendencies:
Pressure to have the “perfect” pregnancy, from weight gain to prenatal nutrition.
Comparing yourself to curated online pregnancy journeys.
Feeling overwhelmed by conflicting medical advice and parenting books.
3. Postpartum Period
Perfectionism may show up as:
Unrealistic expectations for breastfeeding, recovery, or bonding.
Pressure to “bounce back” physically and emotionally.
Guilt if newborn care doesn’t match your idealized plan.
4. Motherhood
In day-to-day parenting:
Striving for flawless parenting choices.
Feeling personally responsible for every aspect of your child’s well-being.
Overanalyzing mistakes or comparing yourself to other parents.
Why It’s Especially Hard for Moms Who Work Outside the Home
Working mothers face dual perfectionism pressures—to excel at work and to be a perfect parent at home. This “double shift” can result in:
Burnout from constant overachievement in two demanding roles.
Guilt for missing time with children or work obligations.
Reluctance to ask for help, fearing it means you’re “not enough.”
Helpful Treatment Approaches for Perfectionism
While perfectionism can feel deeply ingrained, it is treatable. Evidence-based approaches include:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify and challenge perfectionistic thoughts, replacing them with more balanced perspectives.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Focuses on aligning actions with values rather than perfectionistic rules.
Self-Compassion Practices: Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
Mindfulness: Increasing awareness of perfectionistic thinking without judgment.
Behavioral Experiments: Practicing “good enough” efforts to reduce fear of mistakes.
Using Mindful Self-Compassion to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) is a powerful antidote to perfectionism because it shifts the focus from constant self-criticism to self-kindness. MSC involves three core components: mindfulness—noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgment; self-kindness—responding to your struggles the way you would comfort a friend; and common humanity—remembering that imperfection is part of being human, not a personal failing. For perfectionists, practicing MSC means recognizing when you’ve set impossible standards, gently acknowledging the discomfort that comes with falling short, and offering yourself compassion rather than harsh judgment. Over time, this approach can reduce anxiety, increase resilience, and help you embrace “good enough” without guilt.
If you would like to learn more about mindful self compassion, Kristen Neff is one of the leading researchers in this area and her work is truly life changing. I highly recommend reading more about it on her website and on the website for the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self Compassion. Her self compassion break exercise is one of my favorites.
You Don’t Have to Do It Perfectly
If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you’re not alone—and perfectionism is something you can work through.
Seeking support from a therapist experienced in anxiety and perfectionism can help you reclaim balance, joy, and self-compassion.
Contact me today to explore therapy options tailored to your unique needs as a woman navigating fertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood.
FAQs About Perfectionism in Motherhood
Q: Is perfectionism always bad?
Not necessarily—healthy striving can be motivating. It becomes harmful when it leads to chronic stress, avoidance, or burnout.
Q: Can perfectionism affect fertility?
While perfectionism doesn’t directly cause infertility, the stress it creates can impact hormonal balance, sleep, and overall well-being.
Q: What’s the difference between perfectionism and high standards?
High standards allow flexibility and self-kindness. Perfectionism is rigid, self-critical, and often unattainable.
Q: Can therapy really help?
Yes. Evidence-based therapies like CBT and ACT are highly effective in reducing perfectionistic thinking and improving quality of life.
Q: How do I know if I’m a perfectionist?
If you frequently set unattainable goals, fear mistakes, avoid challenges for fear of failure, or tie your self-worth to achievement—you may be struggling with perfectionism.
